Broken

Tonight my heart broke into a million pieces.  After enduring two very tiring days of parenting a middle schooler, I was finally able to sit down and open the lines of communication enough begin to dig down to the root of the problem.

With crocodile tears rolling down his cheeks,  my precious first born described what it feels like to be in his skin.  How his heart aches because he hears his classmates groan when they are asked to be his partner or work with him in groups.  What pain he experiences when his classmates ignore him when he tries to talk to them.  How he desires to be noticed, appreciated, acknowledged. 

The loneliness.  The sadness.  The hurt.  The turmoil.

He begged me to help him learn to talk to people.  He asked if I would help him think of cool things to say and topics that his peers might want to discuss.  He wanted to know things that he could change about himself that would make people like him more.  He was desperate.  

I listened to him and managed to hold back my tears for a moment or two.  I did provide him with some things to try... based on Biblical truth.  We talked about loving people, putting others before self,  and extending grace.  

He was convinced that those solutions would not suffice.  "What if they still don't like me?", he whimpered.

I am broken for him tonight.  Not because he doesn't fit in, but because he feels like he needs to do so.  How I wish I had taken opportunities to celebrate him for who he is!  Perhaps then he would recognize what a treasure he is, not only in my eyes, but in the eyes of our Lord.  Oh, that he would "get it" - what freedom he would have if he really comprehended what it means to be created in the image of God! 

 

Much like his mother, Houston has fallen into the trap of believing the lies perpetuated by our culture.  He is so  inundated with lies that the lies seem to be truth and the truth seems to be a lie.  Sheesh.  What a scary place for our babies!  Even worse, what a scary place for us all!

Though broken, tonight I am thankful.  I know a savior who is in control.  Tonight I am praying for my children - 

"Lord, I pray that you open their eyes to Your truth.  For every worldly whisper that causes them to feel frail and insignificant, Lord, I pray that Your Holy Spirit shouts truth to their souls.  I pray that they never fit in - that they never change to be more like the world... rather grow into godly young men who bring You honor in everything that they do.  Use them, Lord.  Change lives through my children.  I pray that Houston's pain today was not in vain, but that in some way what Satan meant for harm, You will use for good.  I trust you, Lord."

Still.

Ok, I will admit it.  I have been beyond grumpy lately.  I seem to have misplaced all of my joy.  For several weeks now, I have grumbled through my daily activities - from morning til night a "funky grump" has weighed on my soul.   Honestly, I have been perplexed as to the source of my "grumpitude".

This morning I listened as my sweet husband prayed over me.  He covered every area of my life - health, relationships, marriage, work.  There was nothing new about this experience as he prays for me all the time.  But, for some reason, his words seemed to lodge themselves in my mind this morning.  Hours later, I was still thinking about the wonderful blessing of having a husband who prays for me and a savior who hears and answers prayers.

As the hours crept by today, I started focusing on the "little blessings" in my life.  It didn't take me long to realize that the blessings in my life could hardly be counted as "little".  I am freakishly blessed.  Crazy things happen to me all the time.  Things that can only be explained by giving God the glory.

I glanced down at the bracelets on my arm and read the scriptures inscribed on them. "Never will I leave you or forsake you."  "Be still and know that I am God." Such comforting words.  Such truth.  Such conviction.

In the midst of my month of grump, my precious savior was there.  He knew how chaotic my schedule had been.  He knew that laundry was piling up.  He knew about every middle school project waiting to be completed.  He knew about overdue library books.  He knew that there were reports to write, email in need of response, lessons to write, PowerPoints to create, and books to read.  He knew.  He Knew.  HE KNEW.

I 'm guessing that He was still.  I'm guessing that He hoped I would realize how big He is - how much control He has.  I'm guessing He was waiting until I would remember to be still and KNOW.

The grumpy fog lifted when I was still.  I was quiet.  I was in awe of my Lord.  I praised Him.  I thanked Him.  I reflected on answered prayers.  I remembered His grace.

Even as I type tonight, tears fill my eyes.  He knows me.  He loves me.  He redeemed me.  I'm  overwhelmed at what that actually means.

Tonight I will sit here in the quiet and rest in the arms of my savior.  Thankful for grace - free from grump - blessed.