Convicted.

I'm angry.

Someone made me really mad.  Want to know what she did?  Probably the cruelest thing imaginable.  

She witnessed by bad behavior, then called me out on it.  On Facebook.  Without really saying my name - but, I knew.  

Beyond that, she did it by quoting my favorite book - the Bible.  Even worse, she quoted from one of my favorite books of the Bible - Matthew.  (Hers was a modernized version, but I recognized it at once!)

Matthew 7:12  "So whatever you wish that others would do to you, do also to them, for this is the Law and the Prophets."

And, friends, when I saw it, I was Mad.  

Livid. 

Angry.  

Vengeful.

How dare she?  Can you believe it?  How could anyone do such a thing?  

Immediately, I did what I thought would be best.  I began thinking of something to say in response to the post.  Because I love Matthew 7, an immediate response came to my mind.  

I smiled just thinking about it...  It was going to be gooood.  I'd show her.  

I was almost giddy as I imagined what her reaction would be when she opened her Facebook page to see my polite response.  

"Matthew 7:3, sweet friend."

Oh, what powerful words!  "Why do you see the speck in your  brother's eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye?"

Excitement built.  My heart was pounding.  It was too easy.  I needed to just sit and smirk for a few moments before my fingers danced across the keyboard.... 

The longer I sat, the less appealing my plan became.  The Lord began to work.  The truth in His word began to sink in.  

Excitement gave way to conviction.  Conviction gave way to repentance.  

Isn't God's word powerful?  In just a few moments, the Holy Spirit was able to remind me that she was right.  I had been unkind.  She was right.  I had disobeyed God's command.  She was right.  I was wrong.

As only the Lord can, He also reminded me that I needed to deal with my own sin before I worried about "showing" anyone else.   Yep, my own sin will be more than enough of me to worry about.  

Sheesh.  I am so thankful for grace.  If I ever happen to have a brain lapse that causes me to believe that there is anything good in me - I need only to remember this moment.  Apart from Christ, I am nothing.  Apart from Christ, I am vile and evil.   

I am my own worst enemy.  I fail and fall short of perfection every day.  The more I study God's word, the more I realize how miserably short of perfection I fall.  I battle my flesh with every breath I take, and I lose the battle a lot.  On those days when I have done or said stupid things, I am hard on myself.  Really hard on myself.   It really really stinks to have someone point out my faults - call attention to my bad behavior - shine a light on the ugly truth.  I hate being wrong.  Even more than that, I hate when my behavior does not reflect my love for the Lord.  It breaks me to recognize how sinful my nature is.  And I totally DESPISE having someone point out that I am wallowing in sin.  D.E.S.P.I.S.E.   I.T.

But, I need to be called out.  And I need to respond with a repentant spirit - not in anger.  

My prayer is that my walk with the Lord will be so intimate, so consuming, that I will reflect His holiness in all that I do.  And, in the moments that I fail to walk in His will, that I will immediately repent and seek His grace.

Let me edit my opening thought... Someone made me thankful.  She witnessed my bad behavior, called me out, and helped me to recognize God's grace in my life.

Lord, forgive me for failing you.  Forgive me for my sin nature.  Forgive me for thinking about myself before I think of others.  Help me to extend the same grace that I have been blessed to receive.  Help me to love like you love.   Make my heart's desire to bring you glory.  I love you, Lord.  I'm humbled by Your endless grace.

Awestruck

"And who knows whether you have come to the kingdom for such a time as this?" - Esther 4:14

I am in awe at how big God is.  I am challenged to think about the fact that there is purpose in every moment of every day of my life - that every encounter with every person happens for a reason: from a brief "hello" to passers-by in Wal-Mart to lengthy conversations with coworkers and friends - every moment counts.  He is sovereign.  He orchestrated it all.  Nothing He does is ever wasted - ever.

Moments are only wasted if we choose to waste them.  That is a sobering thought.

I cannot help but wonder how many moments I have wasted in my life.  How many times has the Lord placed me in the path of another person only to watch as I ignore an opportunity to bring Him glory?  It breaks my heart to realize that I waste more "time" than I use.  

I'm pretty sure that the Lord has been listening to my prayers each day with an amused grin on His face.  He probably gets a good chuckle out of the fact that I ask Him to "use me in the lives of others".  I can almost picture Him saying, "Sweet girl, I am trying!"  (I added Sweet Girl for effect - He knows my heart, so I suspect he might choose an alternate adjective.)  Boy, am I thankful that He is patient!   Otherwise, I'd be in bad shape.

For the past few months I have been praying for the Lord to open my eyes so that I can see people like He sees them - for His heart for people - for spiritual discernment.  His word tells me that not only will He answer my prayers, but He will also reveal things that I didn't even know to ask about. (Jeremiah 33:3)  Beyond a shadow of a doubt, He has answered.  So many people who need His love have crossed my path recently.  The encounters have initially all seemed to be "normal - lunch dates, work appointments, phone calls, Facebook messages.    Oh friends!  There has been nothing normal about these encounters!  Each and every one has been the springboard for conversations that reveal almost inconceivable pain in their lives.  I'm stunned by how many women - young and old -  have opened up to me about deep hurt, emptiness, loneliness, and a desire for "something more" lately.

I have listened as women I barely know open up about the devastation in their lives, sharing stories of heartache that are almost too horrible to comprehend.  One thing that each precious woman has had in common is a consuming desire to feel valued and loved.  Each one, in her own way, has been desperately seeking ways to fill the emotional void.

The need to know Christ is almost palpable in their lives.  I know that I have been placed in these moments, with these people, in these situations for a reason.  I pray that, like Esther, I will be mindful of God's timing and that my concern will not be for myself, but for the needs of others.



Lord, use me.  Bring others to You through me.  Help me to see people the way that You see them.  Give me your heart for people; help me to be compassionate, selfless, and kind.  Put Your words in my mouth - Your thoughts in my mind - Your love in my life.  I love you, Lord.  I thank you for saving me.  I thank you for the opportunity to be right here, right now - for such a time as this.

Broken

Tonight my heart broke into a million pieces.  After enduring two very tiring days of parenting a middle schooler, I was finally able to sit down and open the lines of communication enough begin to dig down to the root of the problem.

With crocodile tears rolling down his cheeks,  my precious first born described what it feels like to be in his skin.  How his heart aches because he hears his classmates groan when they are asked to be his partner or work with him in groups.  What pain he experiences when his classmates ignore him when he tries to talk to them.  How he desires to be noticed, appreciated, acknowledged. 

The loneliness.  The sadness.  The hurt.  The turmoil.

He begged me to help him learn to talk to people.  He asked if I would help him think of cool things to say and topics that his peers might want to discuss.  He wanted to know things that he could change about himself that would make people like him more.  He was desperate.  

I listened to him and managed to hold back my tears for a moment or two.  I did provide him with some things to try... based on Biblical truth.  We talked about loving people, putting others before self,  and extending grace.  

He was convinced that those solutions would not suffice.  "What if they still don't like me?", he whimpered.

I am broken for him tonight.  Not because he doesn't fit in, but because he feels like he needs to do so.  How I wish I had taken opportunities to celebrate him for who he is!  Perhaps then he would recognize what a treasure he is, not only in my eyes, but in the eyes of our Lord.  Oh, that he would "get it" - what freedom he would have if he really comprehended what it means to be created in the image of God! 

 

Much like his mother, Houston has fallen into the trap of believing the lies perpetuated by our culture.  He is so  inundated with lies that the lies seem to be truth and the truth seems to be a lie.  Sheesh.  What a scary place for our babies!  Even worse, what a scary place for us all!

Though broken, tonight I am thankful.  I know a savior who is in control.  Tonight I am praying for my children - 

"Lord, I pray that you open their eyes to Your truth.  For every worldly whisper that causes them to feel frail and insignificant, Lord, I pray that Your Holy Spirit shouts truth to their souls.  I pray that they never fit in - that they never change to be more like the world... rather grow into godly young men who bring You honor in everything that they do.  Use them, Lord.  Change lives through my children.  I pray that Houston's pain today was not in vain, but that in some way what Satan meant for harm, You will use for good.  I trust you, Lord."

Still.

Ok, I will admit it.  I have been beyond grumpy lately.  I seem to have misplaced all of my joy.  For several weeks now, I have grumbled through my daily activities - from morning til night a "funky grump" has weighed on my soul.   Honestly, I have been perplexed as to the source of my "grumpitude".

This morning I listened as my sweet husband prayed over me.  He covered every area of my life - health, relationships, marriage, work.  There was nothing new about this experience as he prays for me all the time.  But, for some reason, his words seemed to lodge themselves in my mind this morning.  Hours later, I was still thinking about the wonderful blessing of having a husband who prays for me and a savior who hears and answers prayers.

As the hours crept by today, I started focusing on the "little blessings" in my life.  It didn't take me long to realize that the blessings in my life could hardly be counted as "little".  I am freakishly blessed.  Crazy things happen to me all the time.  Things that can only be explained by giving God the glory.

I glanced down at the bracelets on my arm and read the scriptures inscribed on them. "Never will I leave you or forsake you."  "Be still and know that I am God." Such comforting words.  Such truth.  Such conviction.

In the midst of my month of grump, my precious savior was there.  He knew how chaotic my schedule had been.  He knew that laundry was piling up.  He knew about every middle school project waiting to be completed.  He knew about overdue library books.  He knew that there were reports to write, email in need of response, lessons to write, PowerPoints to create, and books to read.  He knew.  He Knew.  HE KNEW.

I 'm guessing that He was still.  I'm guessing that He hoped I would realize how big He is - how much control He has.  I'm guessing He was waiting until I would remember to be still and KNOW.

The grumpy fog lifted when I was still.  I was quiet.  I was in awe of my Lord.  I praised Him.  I thanked Him.  I reflected on answered prayers.  I remembered His grace.

Even as I type tonight, tears fill my eyes.  He knows me.  He loves me.  He redeemed me.  I'm  overwhelmed at what that actually means.

Tonight I will sit here in the quiet and rest in the arms of my savior.  Thankful for grace - free from grump - blessed.